haunted

It's been a while since I've been alone when that clock hit midnight and the 24th of October became the 25th.

Last night (this morning), when my birthday finally came around and I fiiinally turned 20 just like all my friends have been doing for months before me, I was alone. And I didn't quite know what to do with myself.
I'm used to jumping up and down, taking birthday shots, kissing, dancing..basically celebrating my own personal New Year. But, because it was a Sunday night and I have a midterm on Tuesday that I'm in no way prepared for, when my Blackberry clock turned to 12:00 I was sitting on my bed, listening to Kings of Leon, with my English textbook in one hand and a tea in the other.
It was kind of weird, and I got a little awkward about it.
I mean, what was I supposed to do when it turned into my birthday? Pat myself on the back? "Good job Sarah, you officially completed two decades of living." Weird.

Anyway, it's officially my 20th birthday. Not to be a downer or anything, but I think it's safe to say this is the least excited/happy about a birthday I've ever been. I've always been a pretty big lame-o in the sense that I get super giddy and selfish around my birthday, believing an entire week of celebration should be devoted to me and fun should constantly be being had by myself and everyone around me.
But this years different. October 25th completely snuck up on me, and I almost wish it hadn't come so soon. Not because I'm not ready to be 20 (I've been telling people I'm 20 since March, simply because all my friends are soo I just kept forgetting I wasn't) but because I feel like I almost don't have time for a birthday. Seriously.
School seems to be taking over my life, and all I'm going to be doing today is sitting in the library reading about culture and Shakespeare. And this month, with everything in general, has been crazy for me and removed me from a birthday celebrating state of mind.

REGARDLESS, I guess it is kind of cool that I'm starting an entire new decade of my life. It's funny because, growing up, 20 seemed soo old to me. I always thought of 20 as the official "adult grown up age". Officially out of the teens and in the twenties. Wa wa wee wa.
But it doesn't feel that old. I don't feel like an adult at all haha..I still feel like a goofy kid who's just trying to figure out what she wants out of life.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.
xoxo