i don't know how to be something you'll miss

haunted

It's been a while since I've been alone when that clock hit midnight and the 24th of October became the 25th.

Last night (this morning), when my birthday finally came around and I fiiinally turned 20 just like all my friends have been doing for months before me, I was alone. And I didn't quite know what to do with myself.
I'm used to jumping up and down, taking birthday shots, kissing, dancing..basically celebrating my own personal New Year. But, because it was a Sunday night and I have a midterm on Tuesday that I'm in no way prepared for, when my Blackberry clock turned to 12:00 I was sitting on my bed, listening to Kings of Leon, with my English textbook in one hand and a tea in the other.
It was kind of weird, and I got a little awkward about it.
I mean, what was I supposed to do when it turned into my birthday? Pat myself on the back? "Good job Sarah, you officially completed two decades of living." Weird.

Anyway, it's officially my 20th birthday. Not to be a downer or anything, but I think it's safe to say this is the least excited/happy about a birthday I've ever been. I've always been a pretty big lame-o in the sense that I get super giddy and selfish around my birthday, believing an entire week of celebration should be devoted to me and fun should constantly be being had by myself and everyone around me.
But this years different. October 25th completely snuck up on me, and I almost wish it hadn't come so soon. Not because I'm not ready to be 20 (I've been telling people I'm 20 since March, simply because all my friends are soo I just kept forgetting I wasn't) but because I feel like I almost don't have time for a birthday. Seriously.
School seems to be taking over my life, and all I'm going to be doing today is sitting in the library reading about culture and Shakespeare. And this month, with everything in general, has been crazy for me and removed me from a birthday celebrating state of mind.

REGARDLESS, I guess it is kind of cool that I'm starting an entire new decade of my life. It's funny because, growing up, 20 seemed soo old to me. I always thought of 20 as the official "adult grown up age". Officially out of the teens and in the twenties. Wa wa wee wa.
But it doesn't feel that old. I don't feel like an adult at all haha..I still feel like a goofy kid who's just trying to figure out what she wants out of life.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.
xoxo

it's my birthday in 5 hours

But I am the least bit excited. Suck it midterms..

5am

It's a good feeling kinda night (or morning, I suppose). I'm tired and done with being angry, bitter, and most of all sad. Chin up sunshine, you're juust fine.
Kbyee

stay gold

I came across my journal from 2008: my final year of high school and my post grad year. I was smoking weed like a fiend at this time in my life, so theres copious amounts of writing in this thing. I mean, copious. Page after page of letters and ramblings, scribblings of Dylan lyrics (ohhh how cliche of mee) and plans about my future.
About halfway through the notebook is a list I made called "To Do in 2009". I remember making this list because I was having a particularly thoughtful night and was really stoked on life. I vowed that I would do everything on the list, so i tried to make the goals achievable and realistic (but fun also, of couuurse).

Here is the list, and here is what I accomplished:
-Get into Uni or College [check]
-Actually attend Uni or College [check and check]
-Go to more concerts since you haven't been to one in a year [check]
-Drink less, blaze more [hahaha, sums up my attitude in 2008]
-Go blonder [check]
-Stop using the computer so much [....]
-Go on a vacation
-Find a good guy to date. A nice one who actually treats you well. Seriously. [...]
-Read this Jack Kerouac fellow and figure out what he's all about [check]
-Stop eating like shit [LOL]
-Stop overanalyzing shit [LOL]
-Have mad parties at cottage with all your friends [check!]
-Buy a puppy [never. I was high.]
-Write every day [check]
-Meet one of your idols
-Learn to play guitar
-Learn to save money [check kinda]
-Stop worrying and just live life [I like this]

I always like coming across things like this. Not only is it nice to compare, but it's nice to see what things have changed about me and what things haven't. After reading this list, I'm happy to say I think I've changed for the better.

That's all.

oh loverboy

Australian line Lover. Love(r) this!

back to december

Ahh T Swift. My guilty pleasure who, I'm pretty certain, can read the mind of every girl out there when she's writing her songs. I fished around for some of her new stuff and am pretty excited about what I found. This song is my favourite..

october 14

"I think it's always good to get beyond your experiences, you know? I hate it when people take themselves too seriously, don't you?"

free me

Free People Fall Collection..nom nom?

opposite ends of the spectrum

my week:
my weekend:
My taste is versatile. Let's have fun.

fully, completely

I've never been particularly great with change.
The wanted change-the change that comes with the decisions we make for ourselves-is tricky to me. Any position I put myself in I usually regret for the first week or two. Whether it be school, jobs, long trips, etc., I spend the first week of the new chapter of my life full of regret and worry, constantly wondering if I was better off where I was before. I'm nervous and I'm uncomfortable. But it settles in, I settle in, and I'm fine.
The unwanted change- the change that hits you out of the blue and knocks you down so hard you wonder when and if you'll ever get back up- is even trickier. It's unexpected, painful, and much harder to push past, even though these unwanted changes are apparently things we all must go through. When the unwanted change hits me, when something happens that I was in no way expecting and am in no way ready for, I get thrown pretty far off.
I've always envied the people who can take the unwanted change and make it into something positive. These people are the "everything happens for a reason" people.
I used to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. But the more I said it, especially these past couple of months, the more I realized how silly it sounds. It's the easy way out. The way to justify something sad and try to counteract it. And it's great, especially as the comforter, to be able to dish out these words to the sad and down. But really, I don't think everything happens for a reason. I think we make day to day decisions-sometimes right, sometimes wrong- and we face the consequences of these decisions. And we learn from them, even if we really don't want to accept them. We have to face the music, get up off our asses, and deal with it.